Yeah, so, it's been a while since I've posted. Because, well, why? Nothing's been going on that's been especially exciting. And anything vaguely interesting has met the 140 character limit of twitter.
So, you know, http://twitter.com/Circe74 -- My twitter feed. Rein in your excitement.
Anyway, I thought I should log in to update the status of my essure procedure from this summer. That way anyone searching for details on what exactly HAPPENS will know the full story.
The essure procedure I had in June? No problem at all. Very little discomfort after the procedure... maybe cramping like a very faint menstrual cramp. Worst part of that procedure was being completely awake while they washed down my nether regions. C'mon, you couldn't have waited until the guy hits me up with some anesthesia?
I remember, the nurse asked, "Are you okay? Too cold?" and I responded, "No, it's fine. AND NOT AT ALL EMBARRASSING."
Today I finally had the follow up x-ray, called an HSG, to ensure that the fallopian tubes have completely sealed closed from the scar tissue surrounding the tiny coils. Basically, it starts out like a normal pelvic exam with the whole speculum and whatnot, and they have to insert a fluid directly into the cervix that they can see on the x-ray machine, and insert it forcefully so they can make sure there are no spots where it (and therefore the spermies) can get through.
Yeah, did you notice that word "forcefully"? Here's the thing... it's some blue fluid that's going through a teeny catheter, right? And it's a very small amount of fluid, really.
BUT IT HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
Now, I'd been warned that there could be some "discomfort" and that I'd definitely feel "some cramping" because they have to make sure that the fallopian tubes are actually sealed. What they failed to tell me was that there would be a moment when I would think that it really wasn't worth it, and I'd kinda prefer just taking the risk that they're not sealed off. It's okay! I don't need to have sex AT ALL. Really? It's probably a good idea to just avoid the whole hullaballoo. Never been really worth it yet, anyway. So seriously, ladies... can we just call this quits?
I'm kind of a pansy when it comes to the pelvic exams, anyway. I mean, come on... I'm not a hobag, so do you really have to use a speculum that's THAT FREAKING HUGE? It looks like it came off a freaking prehistoric giant platypus. C'mon. And then they're always having trouble finding my cervix. Wtf? Where could it possibly go? I'm pretty sure that's where I left it.
Did someone steal it? OH MY GOD, SOMEONE STOLE MY CERVIX. I knew that lady in line at the grocery store looked shady.
Okay, so, we've got the normal pap smear position going on... except without the little footie holds, so my feet are basically desperately trying to grip the edge of the table on the x-ray machine. Luckily, I have monkey toes, so that wasn't too much of a problem.
Then, she has to insert the catheter. Yeah, not pleasant. You know... usually you hear about catheters when people are in the hospital and need to help urine come out. But nope, apparently they can help various things go IN, as well. So, she says, "Sorry this is taking some time.. it's like threading a needle." And I said -- I swear -- "No problem. But I definitely could've done without that particular visual."
Luckily the doctor and the nurses got my sense of humor. Otherwise, things could have been really unfortunate, since I joke when I'm feeling stressed.
So, she gets in the catheter. Then she starts putting in the fluid and OH MY GOD, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The pressure was unbelievable. And, since they're "those" kind of cramps, it feels like everything from your spine to your bellybutton is twisted into a knot.
And these were not normal cramps. These cramps had me -- and I think I'm pretty good about pain -- moaning and breathing like I was giving birth. And praying, did I mention the praying? The please, God, let them be done now. "Okay, I need to push in just a bit more." Oh, sweet baby Jesus, you must be kidding me. "Okay, now I need you to roll onto your right side so we can take an image from there, and I'll put in a bit more." Oh my God, why do fallopian tubes have NERVES? There's no reason they need NERVES! "Okay, and now your left side." WHY DON'T YOU GET ON YOUR LEFT SIDE, BITCH?!?
I'm not even kidding people... I've never felt "discomfort" like that. Granted, it's pain in a place you generally don't expect to have intense, burning, vomit-inducing pain. And I'm totally serious about that... there was a point at which I was going to pass out or throw up, and I just wasn't sure which would happen first. Though I was suspecting passing out would come first, because I was so close to it that I was cold-sweating, my ears were ringing, and my arms were tingling from my shoulders to my fingertips.
When she was finally done and had all the images, she told me they had to examine them more closely, but that everything looked really good. And she said I did very well... that usually they deal with women who "don't handle it as well." Considering I'd been panting like a racehorse and moaning like I'd just woken up the morning after a night sailing with the Captain, I can only imagine what those women were like. They allowed me to go to the restroom, which I did on trembling legs. When I finally sat down on the toilet, I just rested my forehead on my knees and thanked God that I got through that, and reminded myself that it was over.
So, that's the story. The x-ray was not a thrilling experience. All day I've been staggering around carefully, like my female parts are delicate. I don't feel any lingering pain... once they weren't pushing the fluid in, I was fine. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to baby all my poor girlie parts that had to deal with things they just shouldn't have to deal with.
Sorry, fallopian tubes. On the other hand, girlie parts, we've ensured that we'll never have to deal with an episiotomy. So, you know, we have that going for us.
Twitter Updates
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
My favorite part is Kermit the Frog
I love this video. It's meaningful, entertaining, and very important. Hopefully it generates some interest.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Addendum
Okay, so after some more pondering, I have some more thoughts regarding the whole Essure thing...
When I went to this new doctor to talk to her about the procedure (FYI, not realizing that it would result in an exam to make sure "everything was normal" with me wearing my black knee socks rolled down around my ankles and a woman's hand up my yaya), I kind of figured she'd talk to me about if I was CERTAIN I wanted the procedure, because it's completely permanent.
But granted, I'm 35. I'm not 19. Right now, at this age, is when I start risking Down's Syndrome and those kinds of problems with pregnancies. Which on the one hand is very insulting, because, hello, 30-freaking-5. But on the other hand, I'd think it should make that conversation pretty low-key, because apparently I'm advanced enough in years that I should be beyond rash decisions.
When she reminded me that it's permanent and irreversible, I said yep, that's exactly what I want. I know myself, and that I'm a pleaser by nature (stop laughing, people..yes I am), and that I can see that it is within the realm of possibility for someone to THINK they could convince me that I did want kids. And fact is, I don't. So I want to take that possibility off the table. Her reply was that you never know, I could meet that perfect guy, and part of that could be that I want to make him happy by giving him something HE wants.
Okay, we're not talking about a new set of golf clubs, or even a speed boat. We're talking about a child. One I'd be stuck with (pardon the phrasing) for the rest of my life. I wouldn't even necessarily be stuck with the HUSBAND for the rest of my life. And I really don't think it's a healthy relationship if I'm setting aside my plans/wants/needs to give a man something that he wants. Know what I'd give him? His freedom to go find someone who had the same needs as him.
Another thing... I know in my last blog that I sounded almost irrationally defensive and anti-kid. I'm not. People have kids all the time. Sure, lots of people who SHOULDN'T do, but that's a different story. My thing is that *I* don't, and it's shocking how much crap I deal with because of that. All the time, when people ask why I don't have kids, and I tell them that among the plentiful reasons, I don't WANT them... I get comments like, "Oh, you'll change your mind" in some creepy singsong voice. Or, "Oh, you'll meet the right man, then you'll want them."
What's wrong with me not wanting kids? Is that so horrible? Thing is, people should be happy that I comprehend that I don't want them... that I'm not just giving into societal pressure and breeding because they say I must breed to be whole and complete. I. Don't. Want. Kids. I don't want mine. I don't want yours. I don't want ours. I don't want them. If you do, great. Keep them to yourself. And please, by all that's holy, keep them the FUCK off my lawn.
Now, is it beyond the realm of comprehension that I might change my mind? Not at all. I'm a firm believer that anything is possible, no matter how incredibly, exponentially unlikely. But the thing is this... I am NOT one of those people who feels that I must have a child of my own blood. Being half-built of my DNA would not make a child more valuable. If I decided that I wanted to care for a young life, I have no hesitation about adopting. And thing is, I think I'd be far more likely to adopt an older kid, one who's beyond the "popular" age of adoption. Because I'd want a child who needed me as much as I, at that point, needed them.
Look, once I adopted Max (the Best Dog in the Whole World Bar None), I discovered how easy it is to fall in love with something that is not your blood. How they can become your heart, and your priority in life. Some people think it's insane that I feel that way about my dog, but I think it would be insane NOT to. I brought this animal into my home, and gave my word to him and to God that I'd protect and care for him. And in return, he protects and cares for me. Seems like a pretty awesome deal.
But there are times, as much as I adore Max and every moment I spend with him, that I think of what it would be like to be again free from responsibilities to another living being. To be able to just GO. To be able to take risks that would affect no one but myself. And I know that if I had a child, I'd NEVER be able to do that again. Because no matter how old a child gets, what you do affects them. But don't tell my mom, that, as it would completely destroy her illusions.
Anyway, from my point of view, I know what I want. And it seems so much.. I don't know.. SIMPLER, to be able to just make it permanent. No half-way measures. Then I KNOW. If I get nagged about when I'm going to have kids, I can just say, "I can't" and people will, for the most part, shut up. And -- total TMI here -- but I'd even have the freedom to consider being a little more, ahem, forward in my relationships, because I wouldn't have the very Catholic fear that God might punish me with a pregnancy. I think having ultimate control over that part of my body would give me some freedom, some confidence.
What are your thoughts?
When I went to this new doctor to talk to her about the procedure (FYI, not realizing that it would result in an exam to make sure "everything was normal" with me wearing my black knee socks rolled down around my ankles and a woman's hand up my yaya), I kind of figured she'd talk to me about if I was CERTAIN I wanted the procedure, because it's completely permanent.
But granted, I'm 35. I'm not 19. Right now, at this age, is when I start risking Down's Syndrome and those kinds of problems with pregnancies. Which on the one hand is very insulting, because, hello, 30-freaking-5. But on the other hand, I'd think it should make that conversation pretty low-key, because apparently I'm advanced enough in years that I should be beyond rash decisions.
When she reminded me that it's permanent and irreversible, I said yep, that's exactly what I want. I know myself, and that I'm a pleaser by nature (stop laughing, people..yes I am), and that I can see that it is within the realm of possibility for someone to THINK they could convince me that I did want kids. And fact is, I don't. So I want to take that possibility off the table. Her reply was that you never know, I could meet that perfect guy, and part of that could be that I want to make him happy by giving him something HE wants.
Okay, we're not talking about a new set of golf clubs, or even a speed boat. We're talking about a child. One I'd be stuck with (pardon the phrasing) for the rest of my life. I wouldn't even necessarily be stuck with the HUSBAND for the rest of my life. And I really don't think it's a healthy relationship if I'm setting aside my plans/wants/needs to give a man something that he wants. Know what I'd give him? His freedom to go find someone who had the same needs as him.
Another thing... I know in my last blog that I sounded almost irrationally defensive and anti-kid. I'm not. People have kids all the time. Sure, lots of people who SHOULDN'T do, but that's a different story. My thing is that *I* don't, and it's shocking how much crap I deal with because of that. All the time, when people ask why I don't have kids, and I tell them that among the plentiful reasons, I don't WANT them... I get comments like, "Oh, you'll change your mind" in some creepy singsong voice. Or, "Oh, you'll meet the right man, then you'll want them."
What's wrong with me not wanting kids? Is that so horrible? Thing is, people should be happy that I comprehend that I don't want them... that I'm not just giving into societal pressure and breeding because they say I must breed to be whole and complete. I. Don't. Want. Kids. I don't want mine. I don't want yours. I don't want ours. I don't want them. If you do, great. Keep them to yourself. And please, by all that's holy, keep them the FUCK off my lawn.
Now, is it beyond the realm of comprehension that I might change my mind? Not at all. I'm a firm believer that anything is possible, no matter how incredibly, exponentially unlikely. But the thing is this... I am NOT one of those people who feels that I must have a child of my own blood. Being half-built of my DNA would not make a child more valuable. If I decided that I wanted to care for a young life, I have no hesitation about adopting. And thing is, I think I'd be far more likely to adopt an older kid, one who's beyond the "popular" age of adoption. Because I'd want a child who needed me as much as I, at that point, needed them.
Look, once I adopted Max (the Best Dog in the Whole World Bar None), I discovered how easy it is to fall in love with something that is not your blood. How they can become your heart, and your priority in life. Some people think it's insane that I feel that way about my dog, but I think it would be insane NOT to. I brought this animal into my home, and gave my word to him and to God that I'd protect and care for him. And in return, he protects and cares for me. Seems like a pretty awesome deal.
But there are times, as much as I adore Max and every moment I spend with him, that I think of what it would be like to be again free from responsibilities to another living being. To be able to just GO. To be able to take risks that would affect no one but myself. And I know that if I had a child, I'd NEVER be able to do that again. Because no matter how old a child gets, what you do affects them. But don't tell my mom, that, as it would completely destroy her illusions.
Anyway, from my point of view, I know what I want. And it seems so much.. I don't know.. SIMPLER, to be able to just make it permanent. No half-way measures. Then I KNOW. If I get nagged about when I'm going to have kids, I can just say, "I can't" and people will, for the most part, shut up. And -- total TMI here -- but I'd even have the freedom to consider being a little more, ahem, forward in my relationships, because I wouldn't have the very Catholic fear that God might punish me with a pregnancy. I think having ultimate control over that part of my body would give me some freedom, some confidence.
What are your thoughts?
Monday, April 20, 2009
Self-essured
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. - Michael Levine
So, today I went to see a doctor about the Essure procedure. (And yes, the misspelling in the blog title was intentional. Haha, a riot, I know.)
If you don't know what that is, the Essure procedure is a version of permanent, non-surgical sterilization, in which they insert a little coil into each fallopian tube. After a couple of months, scar tissue forms over the coils, sealing the tubes and, well, sealing your fate as a non-breeder.
And that's what I want.
I've thought about this a long time. Some folks might laugh it off as an aspect of my abrasive personality. I know a lot of people see me as self-involved, and this would be just further proof... but they couldn't be further from the truth.
In this, at least, very little of my reasoning is based on ME. Here's the thing, and it may seem dramatic and extreme, but this is my blog, so deal: The world is a very shitty place. *I* know this, because I've spent almost 35 years here. And people, life in general? It's pretty crappy. Like, "where the fuck did that hair in my french toast come from?" when you've been looking forward to french toast for a week, and don't have any more eggs or milk to make a new batch, kind of crappy.
Here's the thing... I was a sensitive kid. Well, I'm a sensitive adult, so no surprises there. I was never popular.. I was never the geek, or the brain, or the sports kid, or anything in general. I was quiet, kept to myself. That's because I could see even at a young age that most people were assholes. I didn't want to be friends with the other kids, because the other kids were manipulative jerks.
School age? Sure, let's talk about the teacher who I once saw literally lift a kid up with his hands around his throat and throw him against a wall because the kid made fun of him. Or the teacher who was on drugs and so disinterested that she made my naive, shy and clean-cut self sit surrounded by middle schoolers who constantly talked about drugs and sex. Or how about all the other teachers who were more interested in being popular among the popular children in their classes than they were about teaching.
Anyway, whine whine. The point is -- and I think we could all give a million examples -- the world is pretty crappy. Yes, there are absolute high points. But do I want to choose to bring a child into this world to endure what I look back on in MY life and resent? That just isn't fair.
And if you've read my blog before (though one wonders if anyone is reading it NOW), you know about my nightmares regarding having children. Obviously, if the idea of breastfeeding makes me want to vomit, the whole child-rearing process is not going to be something I consider magical and wonderful.
But what if someday I decide that I want to leave something of myself for the world? Well, I don't think that's a responsibility a child should have to bear. I can bury a freaking time capsule if that's what I want. A child is not a token of achievement.
And what if I decide that I do want to enjoy the love of a child? It is nothing less than complete narcissism to decide that you must have a child of YOUR OWN for that. My DNA -- while obviously made up of 23 strands of complete perfection -- is not so necessary in this world. There are plenty of kids -- and not only newborns -- who would benefit from the love of someone who was interested in having children for the sake of the CHILDREN, not to fulfill their own self-involvement.
Plus, I think we're all aware that I have issues with... ahem.. anxiety. Okay, I'm a raging pile of psycho worry surrounding by a swarm of freak-out. I have to think of what kind of damage I would do to a sensitive little mind. How many neuroses I would create. If my child was being bullied at school, I would likely have a nervous breakdown from my inability to DO something to fix it. Because we all know that sometimes you can't do anything... the child has to work it out on their own. If I can't get over my daily worry about someone hurting my beloved dog, how could I survive a lifetime of worrying about the safety of a child?
This is not to say that I think NO ONE should have children. Well, okay, yeah, I think no one should have children. But take my opinion and a nickel to Starbucks, and they'll throw your ass out. In reality, though, I think it's that I accept that (a few) other people are potentially better qualified to be parents than I am.
But at the same time, when I think of losing my ability to have children, it makes me feel... hollow. I think it's how women feel when they go through menopause, or find out they're infertile... our ability to have children is that basic thing that makes us WOMEN. The thought of giving that up makes me feel somehow less feminine.
So, why not just stay on the pill? Because there's just something I don't like about changing the chemical makeup of my body. I know it's silly, especially since I'm constantly taking other medications.. but there's just something about it I don't like.
Okay, so why not go off the pill? Well, TMI -- a, on those occasions when I DO want to have sex, I like to know that *I* am making sure I am safe in that way. I consider a condom a way to protect myself from disease, but the pill is the way to protect myself from pregnancy. (And doesn't that say a lot? "Protect myself from pregnancy." Like "protect myself from a potential hurricane.")
Okay, so, b, there are other methods of contraception other than the pill. Well, this one makes me seem like a nut -- and I have no idea if other women have this issue -- but I have this sort of constant, vague fear of rape and pregnancy. Completely insane, because we all know there are methods to make sure that sort of pregnancy doesn't happen after the fact, so in that situation a pregnancy is the LEAST of your concerns, but still. It's there. I don't know why.
So, there it is. Ha, thought you were going to get a light-hearted blog entry? Suckas!
So, today I went to see a doctor about the Essure procedure. (And yes, the misspelling in the blog title was intentional. Haha, a riot, I know.)
If you don't know what that is, the Essure procedure is a version of permanent, non-surgical sterilization, in which they insert a little coil into each fallopian tube. After a couple of months, scar tissue forms over the coils, sealing the tubes and, well, sealing your fate as a non-breeder.
And that's what I want.
I've thought about this a long time. Some folks might laugh it off as an aspect of my abrasive personality. I know a lot of people see me as self-involved, and this would be just further proof... but they couldn't be further from the truth.
In this, at least, very little of my reasoning is based on ME. Here's the thing, and it may seem dramatic and extreme, but this is my blog, so deal: The world is a very shitty place. *I* know this, because I've spent almost 35 years here. And people, life in general? It's pretty crappy. Like, "where the fuck did that hair in my french toast come from?" when you've been looking forward to french toast for a week, and don't have any more eggs or milk to make a new batch, kind of crappy.
Here's the thing... I was a sensitive kid. Well, I'm a sensitive adult, so no surprises there. I was never popular.. I was never the geek, or the brain, or the sports kid, or anything in general. I was quiet, kept to myself. That's because I could see even at a young age that most people were assholes. I didn't want to be friends with the other kids, because the other kids were manipulative jerks.
School age? Sure, let's talk about the teacher who I once saw literally lift a kid up with his hands around his throat and throw him against a wall because the kid made fun of him. Or the teacher who was on drugs and so disinterested that she made my naive, shy and clean-cut self sit surrounded by middle schoolers who constantly talked about drugs and sex. Or how about all the other teachers who were more interested in being popular among the popular children in their classes than they were about teaching.
Anyway, whine whine. The point is -- and I think we could all give a million examples -- the world is pretty crappy. Yes, there are absolute high points. But do I want to choose to bring a child into this world to endure what I look back on in MY life and resent? That just isn't fair.
And if you've read my blog before (though one wonders if anyone is reading it NOW), you know about my nightmares regarding having children. Obviously, if the idea of breastfeeding makes me want to vomit, the whole child-rearing process is not going to be something I consider magical and wonderful.
But what if someday I decide that I want to leave something of myself for the world? Well, I don't think that's a responsibility a child should have to bear. I can bury a freaking time capsule if that's what I want. A child is not a token of achievement.
And what if I decide that I do want to enjoy the love of a child? It is nothing less than complete narcissism to decide that you must have a child of YOUR OWN for that. My DNA -- while obviously made up of 23 strands of complete perfection -- is not so necessary in this world. There are plenty of kids -- and not only newborns -- who would benefit from the love of someone who was interested in having children for the sake of the CHILDREN, not to fulfill their own self-involvement.
Plus, I think we're all aware that I have issues with... ahem.. anxiety. Okay, I'm a raging pile of psycho worry surrounding by a swarm of freak-out. I have to think of what kind of damage I would do to a sensitive little mind. How many neuroses I would create. If my child was being bullied at school, I would likely have a nervous breakdown from my inability to DO something to fix it. Because we all know that sometimes you can't do anything... the child has to work it out on their own. If I can't get over my daily worry about someone hurting my beloved dog, how could I survive a lifetime of worrying about the safety of a child?
This is not to say that I think NO ONE should have children. Well, okay, yeah, I think no one should have children. But take my opinion and a nickel to Starbucks, and they'll throw your ass out. In reality, though, I think it's that I accept that (a few) other people are potentially better qualified to be parents than I am.
But at the same time, when I think of losing my ability to have children, it makes me feel... hollow. I think it's how women feel when they go through menopause, or find out they're infertile... our ability to have children is that basic thing that makes us WOMEN. The thought of giving that up makes me feel somehow less feminine.
So, why not just stay on the pill? Because there's just something I don't like about changing the chemical makeup of my body. I know it's silly, especially since I'm constantly taking other medications.. but there's just something about it I don't like.
Okay, so why not go off the pill? Well, TMI -- a, on those occasions when I DO want to have sex, I like to know that *I* am making sure I am safe in that way. I consider a condom a way to protect myself from disease, but the pill is the way to protect myself from pregnancy. (And doesn't that say a lot? "Protect myself from pregnancy." Like "protect myself from a potential hurricane.")
Okay, so, b, there are other methods of contraception other than the pill. Well, this one makes me seem like a nut -- and I have no idea if other women have this issue -- but I have this sort of constant, vague fear of rape and pregnancy. Completely insane, because we all know there are methods to make sure that sort of pregnancy doesn't happen after the fact, so in that situation a pregnancy is the LEAST of your concerns, but still. It's there. I don't know why.
So, there it is. Ha, thought you were going to get a light-hearted blog entry? Suckas!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Doctor Ken
So here are my issues with Doctor Ken. A, what's with the sparkly lab coat? And that giant blue watch? And his utter lack of neck? The smarmy smile? The hair? The weirdo twinkle in his eyes?
Doctor Ken has "pedophile" written all over him.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Barbie and the Rockers
This is the set of Barbie and the Rockers. Barbie, Dana and Derek were originals (the two on the far right, and Dana is the second from the left). Dee Dee and Deeva were from the "newer" generation. I even still have the whole stage set saved. I could, like, TOTALLY rock out with that.
I never bothered with getting the Ken when they added him. Why? Because he reminds me suspiciously of Sigfried of Sigfried and Roy fame.
Check out the commercial to see why. Oh, and you'll get that exciting song stuck in your head. ;o)
http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=dby9yb_NgQU
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Hmm.. I'd thought Obama's speech sounded hauntingly familiar....
You gotta love Jon Stewart. Let's face it, I'd do him. Twice.
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